I'm back, bitches!

Well, it does seem like I should begin with an apology.

After all, it's been almost two years since my last post (where I also, coincidentally, declared I was back...I'm going to delete that one now), and let's face it - my blog was a delight...I let my fans down (and by fans, of course, I mean Raynes', who were the only ones reading it anyway), and so...I apologize. Savor that - genuine apologies don't come naturally to me, you should be proud... but also be warned - every apology I make must be matched with my intentionally hurting someone to maintain order and balance in the universe, and because small children can't fight back, I usually have to call a toddler ugly to their face...Hope you can live with that...monsters! (Seriously though, some kids just need to hear it).

The truth is, the reason I haven't blogged in so long is that I made it way too hard on myself. Those damn stories took their toll - they had outlines, drafts...and if I wrote one and didn't think it was funny enough, I didn't publish it...simple as that. So I'm not even going to try to do that anymore, and if you're disappointed, well, I'm sorry (that one wasn't genuine, so don't worry, no more kids will be emotionally scarred).

What I WILL do is write - often - about what's happening in my life. Sometimes they'll be funny, sometimes maybe not; sometimes there will be stories, other times not; sometimes I might even attach a picture or two, and other times...not. In other words, I'm starting a BLOG! Hope that's okay.

So let me begin this Blog Redux with a recent update.

As some of you know, I recently worked a job on a MTV Vampire show as a Camera Assistant. I had done some camera assisting in the past, but never on a show this big or professional and not for 5 years - it showed. The first week was a disaster. My job, which includes things like slating and marking actor positions in scenes, is very visible and I didn't know a damn thing about what I was doing, so everytime I messed up, which was often, I did it in front of a room full of people who did not think it was funny. I could literally feel people judging me, and actually heard someone call me an idiot. It all came to a head when, three days into it, I accidentally damaged a monitor - I pushed the monitor cart over a cable, which cased one $2000 monitor screen to bump into another $2000 monitor screen and scratch it pretty noticeably - that was BAD news. The producers were pissed, my superiors were pissed...quite frankly, I don't know how I wasn't fired. The good news (although I wasn't sure it WAS good news at the time) was that I WASN'T fired - they thought I was an idiot, but they kept me on anyways.

I was not happy. What had started off as an exciting opportunity that I felt genuinely lucky to have gotten had become a nightmare that I was trying to figure out how to get the hell out of. So, that weekend, as anyone would, I let off a little steam. I told my friends how much I wasn't enjoying it, and how I thought the whole feature film world was silly and crazy, and that I didn't think I wanted to do this much longer. I was complaining...and maybe whining a little.

About 2 minutes later, I got a call from my BOSS, who informed me that I had been pocket dialing him for the last 15 minutes!!

(I'm just gonna give you a minute to absorb that - I was bitching about work while pocket dialing my BOSS!!!!!!! What could be worse!!!!!)

The nervous laughter that came out of my mouth when he told me that was RIDICULOUS - "Oh, really? Oh man, I'm sorry - how many times did I call you? Three? Oh oops! Sorry to bug you, how funny, hahaha teeheehee...." I honestly don't know how much he heard, if he heard anything, but FOR THE LOVE - I felt like the biggest idiot ever. And yet, STILL, I didn't get fired. And again, I wasn't sure I was happy about that.

After the terror of the first week, and the horror of the weekend, I decided that if I was going to keep going, the second week would be better then the first - it HAD to be or I wasn't gonna make, whether I quit or was fired, either way. So I determined to ignore every bad feeling, put my head down, and work my ass off - and every time I felt dumb, or judged, I was just gonna smile, breath, and move on. So I did, and it went a lot better. In fact, there were only TWO big mistakes in the second week!!

The first one involved me accidentally padlocking my boss (yes, the same boss) inside the camera truck while he was napping. I know, I know - what the hell is wrong with me! I went in, changed some batteries, hummed a little to myself cause I was feeling better and doing better, and then locked the door when I left, never noticing the human being sleeping nearby!!! Needless to say, I had another stomach sinking moment when I saw people running towards the camera truck as we were getting ready to roll and saying "someone locked the focus puller in the truck" into their walkies. Luckily, everyone thought that was kind of funny, so I still wasn't fired - just teased ("I'm gonna run to the truck for a minute, don't lock me in there", that kind of thing),

The second one wasn't even really my fault - in fact, a lot of things I got in trouble for weren't really my fault, but as my friend Chris said, on a film set, crap rolls downhill and I was at the bottom. I was pushing a camera cart though a doorway in the abandoned school we were shooting at that was literally falling apart - like, paint falling off the walls, windows broken, the works. So as I pushed the cart through the doorway, there was a noise and something fell. Now, I was pushing the cart with the lenses on it, so at first, I was panicked looking at the floor for what dropped. What I found was a piece of plastic that had literally fallen off the door AS i walked through it (because the building was falling apart and I was the last one to push my cart through). That, in itself, wasn't that bad. Nothing was broken, no harm no foul, I just put the plastic back on the door and it was done... What was bad about it was that it happened at the exact same second that the producer, who already hated me because of the monitors, walked by. So she made sure to remind my boss, in front of me, that if I broke anything else I was out of there, and then took joy in adding "if the Trainee hasn't broken it yet" to every sentence she spoke when I was nearby for the rest of the day.

I was frustrated, but I did what I said I would do. I smiled, took a breath, and put it out of my mind. By the end of the second week, despite those small setbacks, I was actually doing a LOT better, and people were genuinely impressed and beginning to like me. I made it damn hard for them NOT to like me, in fact, because with that new attitude, I was the nicest, most positive, and most polite trainee they had ever met. To put it mildly, I put on the charm.

The third week was even better!! I just had ONE heart stopping moment, but luckily for me, this one ended up working in my favor. This time, we were shooting handheld, and after the camera operator is done shooting, he gives the camera to someone else who holds onto it until we are ready to go again. So that guy set the camera on the table, asked me to put my hand on it to make sure it didn't fall, and then, before I had even taken one step toward him, took his hand off the camera and started to walk away. As he did that, the world slowed down for me - because I saw the camera tipping, and knew it was going to fall over. So I jumped forward, and grabbed onto the handle just as it fell sideways, stopping it from falling hard, but not able to stop it from falling completely. It made a noise, and I looked up and saw everyone on set looking at ME holding the handle of a camera that just tipped over...and I thought, holy s*@T - everyone here thinks I just knocked this $20,000 camera over, this is finally it - I am totally fired. That split second, everyone looking at me, lasted FOREVER and I actually heard myself say, "no." My boss came running over and asked what the hell happened with a look of controlled anger on his face. LUCKILY for me, the guy who actually took his hand off the camera (he's a big deal on set), came over and said it was his fault, that he let go before it was secure, and that I actually caught the camera and prevented something worse from happening. In other words, he took the rap instead of letting it all fall on me - probably the only time that happened in the whole 16 day shoot! So suddenly, I was the hero!! People started calling out "Good catch, Utah" (my nickname), and "Way to go!", that kind of thing...So my heart eventually started beating again, and I finished out the show with flying colors!

So, the show started out pretty rough. But by the end, now that it's over, I can actually say that I liked it, that the people liked me, that I had fun, and I'd even do it again! I did not foresee myself saying that after the first week, believe me. But by the end, the crew were buying me lunch or dinner and telling me how they didn't think I was gonna make it at first, but that they were impressed by how hard I worked and that I ended up doing a really good job. They even bought me a gift! And I've gotten two jobs already from people from that show, so I ended on a high enough note, I guess, to at least dull the memory of that horrifying first week and leave a good taste in people's mouths (nate, that's for you).

Anyways, that the first post on my new blog. More to come.

PS - Stefanie, you will delight in knowing that this whole blogging renewal in me was brought on because I saw Julie & Julia tonight...alone...and thought it was delightful (it's about blogging). Do you see how I publicly embarrass myself to appease you, Stefanie? How do you do that?!?